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A bit of incohesive rambling

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I am very happy with where my life is going; a little scared, but happy. I feel like there are so many opportunities available for me. I do not want to be tied down, let alone tied down to someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I love waking up early and getting dressed to music. To have time to read the news, to eat breakfast. To not feel guilty about sleeping with the lights on (except, I guess, environmental guilt). I like the feeling of being able to curl up in bed with a book on Friday nights…or to go out with girlfriends to a random party. And joking about the guys that are there. I like being independant. I like not having to worry about being loved, or being cheated on, or being a burden. I like knowing that I would be a little bit lonely being a crazy cat lady, but happy enough that I wouldn’t be need anything more. I worry that I will become to reliant on the single statuses of my friends, because that isn’t forever either. I worry that I’ll be hurt again, because apparently I make really bad decisions. I know I don’t want a rebound…that doesn’t appeal to me at all. I don’t want to throw myself at boys or to use them as an excuse to forget James, but I do relish the idea of being able to flirt and oogle with no strings attached. I don’t want to move on before I’m ready or to foster fake relationships with people. I want to be close to people, even with the risk of getting hurt. I hope I find someone who will be willing to do the same. I want to grow before I jump into another relationship. I want to acknowledge, without becoming sad, that this one never would have worked out. I want someone dedicated to me, dedicated to life, someone ambitious, not overly, but enough so that he cares about his life and our relationship. I hate my procrastination, how tied up to the past I am, my voyeuristic desire to know everything, even if it hurts me. I hate my foresight and my observance for certain things. I hate how quickly he moved on because it hurts my pride and my feelings. I am confused now, but I know the prevailing feeling inside me is not emptiness or loneliness,but anticipation for the future. A small part is sad about the past.

Written by greenseamonkeys

April 20, 2009 at 12:57 pm

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